Can't find what you're looking for?
View all search results
“I want to get married; it just hasn’t happened. The right one hasn’t come along. And now I’m 36, so let’s see.”
“I did find the right person, but I decided I needed to be financially stable and buy my own house first before settling down. Now, she’s married to someone else.”
These are the voices of friends in their 30s. My younger friends, those in their 20s, still romanticize the idea of marriage, though perhaps with more caution than previous generations.
“Yes, but not now. I’m nowhere near ready financially and mentally. I’m too lazy [to work that hard to pay for family bills] and I still want to enjoy my youth. What if I have children and can’t feed them?” says Lala, 26.
These voices perhaps provide a glimpse into why Indonesia’s marriage rate has dropped by over 30 percent in the past decade.
Fear at the root
Behind the shifts in how people view marriage and challenging socioeconomic conditions that make raising families less appealing, it seems the underlying reason behind the trend can be summed up in one word: fear.
Two fears, in fact: financial fear and relationship fear.
“Many are delaying marriage due to unstable socioeconomic conditions,” explains psychologist Rose Mini Agoes Salim of the University Indonesia, better known as Bunda Romy.
“It’s harder to find a stable job these days, and many young people are focused on starting their own businesses, which takes time.”
More women now have careers and clear goals for their lives. Unlike in the past, when they were expected to just get married whether or not they had jobs. - Rose Mini
But financial stability isn’t necessarily enough to get people to start planning weddings. The second fear, relationship failure, looms large. Social media trends like “marriage is scary” amplify these anxieties, often blending humor with serious concerns.
On the lighter side, posts joke about the daily hassles of married life: “Marriage is scary. Imagine my kid asking for school project materials the night before it’s due, just as I’m about to sleep,” or “Marriage isn’t scary, unless your husband is Kim Mingyu.”
But more serious reflections dominate: “Marriage is scary if you end up with a partner who refuses to cooperate or share responsibilities,” or “Marriage is scary, just look at your parents.”
Not unfounded
These fears aren’t unfounded. From 2017 to 2022, Indonesia’s divorce rate climbed steadily, peaking in 2022 at a record 516,344 cases. Although 2023 saw a 10 percent decline to 463,654 cases, the numbers remain a stark reminder of the challenges many marriages face.
“Information about domestic abuse, infidelity and marital problems is easier to access now,” says Rose Mini.
“Young people are scared, who can guarantee that their relationship will stay healthy and safe, or that abuse won’t happen along the way?”
Caca, 25, shares this fear, though hers comes from personal experience rather than social media.
“I’ve seen firsthand in my family how the wrong partner can mess up your life. That’s why I’m taking my time to find the right one while building a life where I can maintain my independence,” she says.
For Lily, 33, the learning experience was firsthand. Eight years after getting married at 25, relatively young for urban Jakartans nowadays, she’s divorced with a newfound revelation.
“Been there, done that. Never again? I’d be okay with that. Marriage turned out to be nothing like the hype. I’m single and happy now. I can do things I couldn’t before, and it turns out, I don’t need a man to do them,” she shares.
Freedom to be afraid
At the same time, young people now have more freedom to delay marriage, or even to not pursue it at all. Rather than ignore the fears and jump into a lifetime commitment, they’re taking their time to find the right person and to make sure they are ready to raise a family.
“I’d say it’s less about mindfulness and more about skepticism or even pessimism,” Rose Mini says.
“Being mindful means you still hold hope for the future. But what we’re seeing now is this idea that everything has to be perfectly in place beforehand. The truth is, there are plenty of things you can figure out together as you go, step by step,” she adds.
This skepticism is also backed by shifting parental expectations, with more families encouraging readiness over rigid timelines dictated by society.
“More women now have careers and clear goals for their lives. Unlike in the past, when they were expected to just get married whether or not they had jobs, now marriage is no longer the ultimate priority,” Rose Mini adds.
This change resonates with Caca, 25. “I’m grateful that my mom doesn’t pressure me to get married young, but rather to wait for the right time. So, I’m good,” she shrugs.
For the hopeless romantics, the reason behind the delay can be as simple as, “I just haven’t found the one.”
But it turns out, love is based on practicality as well.
“Finding ‘the one’ has become more complicated,” Rose Mini explains.
“Times have changed. In rural villages, people often settle with someone from their community. But in big cities like Jakarta? It’s a whole different game. You’re likely looking for someone who matches your educational and financial standing.”
For men, it takes courage to pursue someone who feels “out of your league”.
And for women, would you even consider a man who’s not as successful as you? Would you be willing to compromise some of your aspirations for the sake of marriage?
“These aren’t just questions women face anymore, they’re equally relevant for men,” Rose Mini adds.
Navigating scary times
So, what’s the advice for young people unsure about marriage?
“Readiness is key,” Romy emphasizes. “But what ‘ready’ looks like is deeply personal. It could be financial, physical or mental readiness.”
As for the fear?
“Nothing in life is guaranteed. You need to plan, but don’t be too rigid or idealistic. Leave room for flexibility and critical thinking to navigate the unexpected,” she suggests.
“When it comes to relationship hurdles, remember that it takes two to tango. You need to meet each other halfway, accommodating each other’s aspirations. While you can’t change someone’s upbringing, you can adjust your interactions to find common ground.”
Rose Mini says fear shouldn’t stop people from pursuing a fulfilling marriage, if that’s what they want. But at the same time, the larger community needs to better understand what marriage really entails.
“Take financial fear, for example,” she says.
“Families need to stop burdening couples. Getting married in Indonesia is very expensive, but you can actually do it for free at the Office of Religious Affairs. If extravagance doesn’t matter to you, young people should feel empowered to communicate that to their families.”
In the end, fears aren’t all-powerful, they can be addressed. The path to marriage might be slower and take longer these days, but it’s also shaped by mindfulness and careful choices.
By confronting anxieties and taking more thoughtful steps, young people today are rewriting the narratives on what it means to love, commit and build a future together. After all, as Rose Mini said, you can plan and prepare all you want, but nothing in life is really guaranteed.
Adelia Anjani Putri, a communications consultant and former reporter, has found herself writing again. She’s also exploring a career shift that would let her pursue her passions for cooking and catsitting—ideally with a paycheck.
